Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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