Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
