Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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