I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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