I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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