soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
