dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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