We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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