I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
