I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
