Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
