Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
