Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
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