hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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