True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
