just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
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best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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