Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
