Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
