I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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