i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
