no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
