"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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