I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
