They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
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They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
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What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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