moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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