please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
