she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
we're so committed to being not committed
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
