My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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