Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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