I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize
