It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
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Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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