so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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