woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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