He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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