I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
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Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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