He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
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