I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
