Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
