I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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