I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
