I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
