why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
