Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
