Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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