tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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