Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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