I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
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I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
there is glitter all over my balls
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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