I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
