Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
