1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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