I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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