dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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