I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
