1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
