Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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