Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
