Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
