but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
