I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I cut my penus on the lid.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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